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I did not write this story so if you are the creator of this story, please email me so I can give proper credit. Thanks! Adoptee Identity Crisis!
All adoptee's have 'em. Most become resolved with reunion, some don't. Growing
up, I never felt "abandoned" or that my birthmom didn't love me. Somehow I always "knew" the truth.
There were a lot of things I "knew" about the circumstances surrounding my adoption but didn't realize
until adulthood. Until recently, I didn't realize how normal my "identity crisis" was... kind of happened
like an epiphany of sorts. Just WHAM! one day it all made sense. Everything that had been "missing"
just fell into place. Everything just "clicked."
I had been raised to be my adoptive parents' daughter. They had an idea of what they wanted me to
be. They had goals, ideals... but they didn't have one important key. Knowledge. I think back then that
when the papers were signed, the deal was done, and it was just like I had been born of my adoptive
mother's womb. I was treated as such. After all the research I have done since I have had my
"epiphany", I could trace about all of my problems back to the simple fact that where I came from was
never really embraced. I was the bastard child of a hippie, "junkie", young single mother, and a
similarly hippie black father. Where I came from was a bit of an embarrassment. I remember once,
when I was about thirteen or so, I had written a poem for class, and had used my birth name as a pen
name rather than my adopted name on it. My adoptive father had seen it and flipped. How dare I? Didn't
I know that would upset my mother? Weren't they good enough parents? I guess now I can see their
logic, and I believe many adoptive parents would (and did) react the same way. I don't fault them for
that, it's simply a lack of education on the issue. Given the same circumstances, I may have primarily
reacted the same way.
I think what a lot of adoptive parents fail to realize that the bond between birthparents and the
birthchild goes beyond physical characteristics. What makes up a person is not only environment, as
many people will debate, but a large chunk of it comes from genetics and heredity. For example, many
in my adoptive family still are in the same town they grew up in, while I have moved around
consistently since I left high school. I was in gifted classes and such, and very heavy into
extracurricuar activities in school, when the rest of my immediate adoptive family was more
mechanical and not so "scholastically inclined." When I moved to Florida when I turned 19, I met most
of my birthmother's immediate family. Unfortunately I didn't get to meet her, since she passed when I
was 12. I found very quickly we had a LOT of similar characteristics, and reacted to situations in a lot
of the same ways, and even had some of the same mannerisms!!! Likewise, when I was finally
reunited with my birthfather's family this summer, I was amazed to find not only the same belief
system, but the same quirks, the same habits and pet peeves, and we even spoke in the same manner
to our spouses. The similarities ran deep and were uncanny!
I think a lot of this wouldn't have been such a conflict for me if my birthparents and adoptive
parents weren't on such opposite ends of the extreme (also if I was exposed to my culture growing
up...I am bi-racial and was always treated as "white"). My adoptive parents were upstanding, small
town, good hearted, "straight laced" people. My birthmother and birthfather were rebellious, flower
children, free-spirited and lived by their own standards. Followed their "own drummer" so to speak.
Sound a little familiar (for those who know me)?
Do I blame my adoptive parents? No. I may have felt anger and bitterness for a while, but I now
realize they didn't have the knowledge and psychological research we have now. That's just them.
That's their way and I accept it for what it is. It's part of them. And that's great...for them. Hindsight is
always 20/20, right? I've started to rebuild myself now, and move on with a new clarity I never had,
and things have become easier, now that I know why I could never fit into the mold that was created
for me. I have a new understanding and acceptance of a LOT of events that have happened in my life. I
know my adoptive parents may never be able to understand this, but I'm not looking for them to. I no
longer have to meet anyone's standards or try to be someone I'm not to gain approval or acceptance
(sound like a self-affirmation tape don't I?). I hope adoptees and birthparents and adoptive parents that
read this take my little account into consideration, because if you don't embrace where your child
comes from, it's only going to make your road a lot rockier later on in life, and even worse for the
child. If you embrace from whence your child comes, that road will not only be smoother, but both of
you will certainly enjoy the company along the way.
"To Remember Is Painful To Forget Is Impossible."
~Maureen Connelly
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