How Birth Parents Cope
You have probably found a number of positive ways to cope with your situation. You may attend
support group meetings and conferences, go to counseling, search for your child, and
communicate with other birth parents. Support Group Meetings/Conferences
Some national birth parent support organizations have local chapters. One well-known
organization is Concerned United Birthparents (CUB). Other birth parent support groups are not
part of a network and are independent, local organizations. Two examples are Birth Mothers of
Minors (B.M.O.M.S.) in New York City, and Birthparents in the Open in Santa Cruz,
California. Other groups are sponsored by adoption agencies, such as the Barker Foundation in
Cabin John, Maryland, and the Lutheran Social Services of Wisconsin and Upper Michigan in
Milwaukee.
No matter how they are organized, birth parent support groups generally have the same purpose
in mind: to offer comfort, sympathy, and an opportunity to talk with others and exchange
information. For many, a support group is one of the few places where everyone understands the
birth parent's point of view and people express their feelings openly. It is an environment in
which you can tell your stories and hear about other people's experiences. Said one birth mother
after she attended her first support group meeting, "I never knew there were other women
walking around with my same guilt and rage. For the first time in over 20 years, I didn't feel so
utterly alone!"
Some of the national birth parent support groups hold regional and national conferences. These
meetings offer the opportunity to get support and information from a larger group of people.
While some focus on political or policy issues, others cover a wide range of topics designed to
enhance the quality of life for birth parents, adoptive parents, and adoptees. A birth father
attending a conference of the Council of Equal Rights in Adoption in New York City said, "It's a
chance to mingle with many more birth parents than the core group of 10 or so that show up at
my local support group meeting. You hear speakers with a national reputation, and you're sitting
in a large hotel ballroom filled with birth parents and adoptees. There's still not enough birth
fathers there, but it's a start."
A birth mother in California named Curry Wolfe started another organization with a very specific
purpose in mind. Even though she had found her adult child and had been a member of birth
parent support groups, she wanted to connect with other women who lived in the same maternity
home that she lived in while she was pregnant. When she did that, she experienced even further
healing. She started Birthparent Connection because she wanted to help other women heal, too.
A birth father now in Florida started the only national organization specifically designed to help
birth fathers. Jon Ryan started the National Organization for Birthfathers and Adoption Reform
(NOBAR), which predominantly provides support and advocacy to birth fathers concerning their
legal rights. Says Ryan, "Birth fathers have most of the same feelings as birth mothers about
adoption. Many are angry and unhappy being separated from their children. . . . In my contacts
with birth fathers I've found them to be the total opposite of the stereotype of the uncaring,
neglectful guy who is relieved not to have to support a child he fathered." NOBAR helps fathers
in a number of situations, encouraging them to get good counseling during their partner's
pregnancy, to be involved in the placement decision if adoption is their choice, and to get legal
counsel to prevent the placement of a child they want to raise.
Counseling
You might find individual or group counseling with a counselor who is knowledgeable about
adoption issues to be very helpful. An experienced therapist can help you untangle which of your
concerns are adoption-related and which are adjustment issues that many people in your stage of
life go through. You might work on relationship, self-esteem, or parenting issues, as well as
discuss whether to search for your child. The outcome of a search can lead to many different
emotions that a therapist can help you sort through.
Searching
Searching is another way that birth parents cope. Some of the issues related to searching were
discussed above. Searching can take a number of routes: using support groups; hiring an
investigator or search consultant; reading literature; surfing the Internet; contacting agencies or
attorneys' offices; or hunting down clues yourself. For more discussion of this, read the NAIC
publication "Searching for Birth Relatives."
Communicating
Adoption issues often receive a large amount of media coverage. But more importantly, there are
a number of books, newsletters, magazines, and on-line information services that concentrate
specifically on birth parent issues. These can be especially helpful and comforting if you live in
an area where there is no support group or if you are not able to travel to national or regional
conferences.
Until recently, there weren't many books about birth parents issues available in public libraries.
Now there are a number of books available written by birth parents about their experiences.
There are also some books by journalists or researchers who interviewed birth parents.
The larger, nationally based support groups have published newsletters for a number of years.
Recently some new newsletters have become available. At least two are for more recent birth
mothers who are maintaining contact with their minor children. Their concerns are somewhat
different than those of older women whose children are grown and whose adoptions were
confidential.
There are also a number of magazines that focus on adoption. Some have a general focus but
have specific articles that are of interest to birth parents. Some are about adopteebirth parent
searches and reunions. So far there are no magazines that exclusively address birth parent issues,
but who knows what the future will bring?
On-line information services are another tool birth parents can use to communicate with one
another. There are general adoption "forums" or "conferences" on these services and specific
subsections for birth parent issues. People share stories, information, and resources and become
fast friends traveling on the adoption portion of the information superhighway. All you need is
the hardware, the software, and a little training to learn how to communicate using this
technology.
Conclusion
You should now know that you are not alone and that there are a number of resources available
to you.
Written by Debra G. Smith, ACSW, director of the National Adoption Information
Clearinghouse, 1995.
Footnotes
1 Campbell, Lee H., Silverman, Phyllis R. and Patti, Patricia B. "Reunions Between Adoptees
and Birth Parents: The Adoptees' Experience," Social Work, Jul 1991, v36 n4, pp. 329-335.
2 Brown, Dirck W. "Searching for Birth Relatives: How Clinicians Can Help," ATC Journal,
Fall 1994, vIII n2,
pp. 1-3, 5.
Bibliography
Adamec, Christine. "Birth Fathers: 'Unknown Significant Others' of Yesterday Take a Stand,"
Roots and Wings, Fall 1992, v4 n2, pp. 8-10 (reprinted from The Encyclopedia of Adoption by
Christine Adamec and William Pierce).
Askin, Jayne with Molly Davis. Search: A Handbook for Adoptees and Birth Parents, 2nd
Edition. Phoenix, AZ: Oryx Press, 1992.
Brown, Dirck W. "Searching for Birth Relatives: How Clinicians Can Help," ATC Journal, Fall
1994, vIII n2, pp. 1-3, 5.
Campbell, Lee H., Silverman, Phyllis R. and Patti, Patricia B. "Reunions Between Adoptees and
Birth Parents: The Adoptees' Experience," Social Work, Jul 1991, v36 n4, pp. 329-335.
Carlini, Heather. Birth Mother Trauma: A Counseling Guide for Birth Mothers. Saanichton,
British Columbia: Morning Side Publishing, 1992.
Carlson, Jone. The U.S.A. Search Resources Directory. Ft. Lauderdale, FL: J.E. Carlson &
Associates, 1992.
Connelly, Maureen. Given in Love: Releasing a Child for Adoption. Omaha, NE: Centering
Corporation Resource, 1990.
Davis, Lynn-Claire. Half Way Home!...Contact & Reunion Guidelines. Palm Bay, FL:
Gabrielle Books, 1995.
Demuth, Carol L. "Equal Time for Birthparents: The Agency Responsibility." Dallas, TX:
published paper, 1990.
Deykin, Eva, Patti, Patricia, and Ryan, Jon. "Fathers of Adopted Children: A Study of the Impact
of Child Surrender on Birthfathers," American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, April 1988, v58 n2,
pp. 240-248.
Gediman, Judith S. and Brown, Linda P. Birth Bond: Reunions Between Birthparents and
Adoptees, What Happens After.... Far Hills, NJ: New Horizon Press, 1989.
Harsin, Rebecca. Wanted: First Child; A Birth Mother's Story. Santa Barbara, CA: Fithian
Press, 1991.
Inglis, Kate. Living Mistakes: Mothers Who Consented to Adoption. Sydney: George
Allen & Unwin, 1984.
Jones, Merry Bloch. Birthmothers: Women Who Have Relinquished Babies for Adoption Tell
Their Stories. Chicago: Chicago Review Press, 1993.
Riben, Marsha. Shedding Light on the Dark Side of Adoption. Detroit: Harlo Press, 1988.
Roles, Patricia. Saying Goodbye to a Baby, Volume I: The Birthparent's Guide to Loss and
Grief in Adoption. Washington, DC: Child Welfare League of America, 1989.
Roles, Patricia. Saying Goodbye to a Baby, Volume II: A Counselor's Guide to Birthparent
Loss and Grief in Adoption. Washington, DC: Child Welfare League of America, 1989.
Schaefer, Carol. The Other Mother: A Woman's Love for the Child She Gave Up for Adoption.
New York: Soho Press, 1991.
Severson, Randolph W. Dear Birth Father. Dallas, TX: House of Tomorrow Productions,
1991.
Shinn, Jim. "My Search for the Son I Never Knew," Good Housekeeping, Jul 1988, v207 n1,
pp. 76-80.
Silverman, Phyllis R. Helping Women Cope With Grief. Beverly Hills, CA: Sage Publications,
1981.
"To Remember Is Painful To Forget Is Impossible."
~Maureen Connelly
Thank You So Much For Visiting Our Site! Please Sign Our Guest Book With Any Comments! Best Wishes, Taylor's Birthparents Tell A Friend About This Site!
Since April 2001
You are visitor number
The fairy title bars, logo's and backgrounds on these pages are copyrighted and not available for public use. Do not download them as they are my own design and I do not wish them to be free domain. Please email me if you have questions or would like custom graphics. Thank You!
